I've been visiting my family for several days. I haven't paid as much attention to what I am eating and even allowed myself to eat some things that are not the most loving for my body. I understand that it is in part a stress and anxiety response. So I've let it go because some parts of being in this place produce anxiety for me. When I left home I weighed 365 and really have no idea how much it is now. I doubt it's less. That causes a little stress but I understand.
I gained a bunch of weight back this year when my friend died. That was hard and it felt awful. So much was going on during that time that a focus on my health slipped out of priority. It's coming back into priority for me because I know how much of a difference it makes. And I felt so much anxiety about the plane ride and the idea I would be kicked off. It felt horrible. I wasn't kicked off but couldn't wear the seat belt. I was unable to ask for an extender like I usually do because I was so frightened. It makes me sad that I felt that way.
My body cries out for exercise. It wants to change and is ready to change. I can do this. It's not just about the numbers. It's about my health. It's about my future and my minister. It's about my future children. I want to do this. I so much want to free up all this energy that is devoted to disliking myself, to worrying and apologizing for the space I take up in this world. I WANT to give that energy to what I love and feel passionate about. Don't get me wrong - I don't think my body size should be connected to my self worth. They are different. I just want to spend my energy differently than worrying about getting kicked off planes, or being able to fit in seats, or breaking something if I use it.
I want it to be about passion, excitement and everything I value!
