Shame - and Potential

I have another blog. It's much easier to write on. I don't have to talk about shame. I am thinking of this random guy who told me and a friend we could have four hundred people in us. Yes... 400. Just some random guy on the street walking by says this. As if I don't feel enough shame. As if I don't already hate my own body.

The thing is... I know how the body, mind and spirit works together. And I know that hating one of those three things does not help me in my desire to loose weight, my desire to run or to feel better about myself. Hating my body is sabotage.

And it is mostly just my body. I like myself, I like my personality and what I do in the world. But I can't actually love myself if I hate a third of what makes me myself.

Yet... how do I change it? How do you go from hate to love... even when you know you deserve it? How do you go from hate to love... especially when the ultimate goal is to change it?

I need to love all of who I am. But I want so badly to be able to move with ease and grace. I want so badly not to worry about airplane seats, or people or children saying bad things. I want so badly for my outside to look like my inside. But I'm afraid. Afraid of being hurt. Afraid that attractive means unsafe. And I suspect I'm afraid of who I can become... when my reason for being hidden is gone. I'm afraid of who I will have to become. Because you see... I actually do believe in my potential. Which is why I have such a hard time understanding why I mess it up so much. Why I get scared... Perhaps... ultimately I'm afraid that without a reason to hold myself back... I'll actually succeed. I wish I knew.  

Flying While Overweight

Dear Delightful Texas Woman,

What you know about me - you know I am a large woman and because you talked to me you know I just graduated with an M.Div after three years, you know my passion for dismantling racism, you know about UUism, you know I'm going to do an internship in Napa, you know how excited I am to see my sister and my niece and nephew when I get to Kansas.

What you don't know - I ...hate flying. Not because I am afraid of flying, but because I am a large (or as a dear friend says – fluffy) woman. I feel anxious about taking your space, about having to leave the plane, about people saying horrible things in such a small space. You don't know that every time I fly I get the window seat so I can hunch into it, make myself as small as possible and stay out of your way. You don't know that in all the times I have flown I have never had a friendly seat mate, who talked to me.

You made this first part of my flight wonderful. I felt relaxed, and very much enjoyed your company. I learned a lot from you and the time went by so fast! Thank you for being such a blessing to me today!