rededication

I weigh 361 pounds as of this morning. While I was home for a visit one of the people that cares about me but is not related took me out to lunch and told me how getting to know me has helped him overcome his prejudice against significantly overweight people. He said that he had to think about it the way he thinks about homosexual people - if he doesn't want to have sex with them then it doesn't matter. I felt uncomfortable and sad. The first thing I thought was thank God I didn't eat everything on my plate. sigh... I could have heard that somewhere besides over a table. Or even not at all. But I'm being reminded once again that human beings are visual. EVERYONE knows I'm significantly overweight. I wish it were easier for people to see past that. I am so much more.

I also managed to realize that the pain from my past which I spent so many years hiding and not talking about needed to be heard. I've realized this over and over as I talked about it in counseling that I needed to be heard. I think aside from a feeling of protection the weight also screams out to be heard it screams to every person that something is going on for me. hmm... I don't like it but it seems possible.

So I had a long discussion with a close friend/mentor/teacher/guide. She helped me rededicate myself to this process. I want to release weight for my ministry. I want to release weight for my self. I want to release weight so that people will see beyond it. I want to release weight for my health. I want to release weight so that my energy is not spent worrying about people, worrying about being kicked off planes ect...

So my rededication includes daily exercise and not eating between meals. Because I love myself, I love my body and I am worth this change.

Amen.