Shame - and Potential

I have another blog. It's much easier to write on. I don't have to talk about shame. I am thinking of this random guy who told me and a friend we could have four hundred people in us. Yes... 400. Just some random guy on the street walking by says this. As if I don't feel enough shame. As if I don't already hate my own body.

The thing is... I know how the body, mind and spirit works together. And I know that hating one of those three things does not help me in my desire to loose weight, my desire to run or to feel better about myself. Hating my body is sabotage.

And it is mostly just my body. I like myself, I like my personality and what I do in the world. But I can't actually love myself if I hate a third of what makes me myself.

Yet... how do I change it? How do you go from hate to love... even when you know you deserve it? How do you go from hate to love... especially when the ultimate goal is to change it?

I need to love all of who I am. But I want so badly to be able to move with ease and grace. I want so badly not to worry about airplane seats, or people or children saying bad things. I want so badly for my outside to look like my inside. But I'm afraid. Afraid of being hurt. Afraid that attractive means unsafe. And I suspect I'm afraid of who I can become... when my reason for being hidden is gone. I'm afraid of who I will have to become. Because you see... I actually do believe in my potential. Which is why I have such a hard time understanding why I mess it up so much. Why I get scared... Perhaps... ultimately I'm afraid that without a reason to hold myself back... I'll actually succeed. I wish I knew.  

Flying While Overweight

Dear Delightful Texas Woman,

What you know about me - you know I am a large woman and because you talked to me you know I just graduated with an M.Div after three years, you know my passion for dismantling racism, you know about UUism, you know I'm going to do an internship in Napa, you know how excited I am to see my sister and my niece and nephew when I get to Kansas.

What you don't know - I ...hate flying. Not because I am afraid of flying, but because I am a large (or as a dear friend says – fluffy) woman. I feel anxious about taking your space, about having to leave the plane, about people saying horrible things in such a small space. You don't know that every time I fly I get the window seat so I can hunch into it, make myself as small as possible and stay out of your way. You don't know that in all the times I have flown I have never had a friendly seat mate, who talked to me.

You made this first part of my flight wonderful. I felt relaxed, and very much enjoyed your company. I learned a lot from you and the time went by so fast! Thank you for being such a blessing to me today!

rededication

I weigh 361 pounds as of this morning. While I was home for a visit one of the people that cares about me but is not related took me out to lunch and told me how getting to know me has helped him overcome his prejudice against significantly overweight people. He said that he had to think about it the way he thinks about homosexual people - if he doesn't want to have sex with them then it doesn't matter. I felt uncomfortable and sad. The first thing I thought was thank God I didn't eat everything on my plate. sigh... I could have heard that somewhere besides over a table. Or even not at all. But I'm being reminded once again that human beings are visual. EVERYONE knows I'm significantly overweight. I wish it were easier for people to see past that. I am so much more.

I also managed to realize that the pain from my past which I spent so many years hiding and not talking about needed to be heard. I've realized this over and over as I talked about it in counseling that I needed to be heard. I think aside from a feeling of protection the weight also screams out to be heard it screams to every person that something is going on for me. hmm... I don't like it but it seems possible.

So I had a long discussion with a close friend/mentor/teacher/guide. She helped me rededicate myself to this process. I want to release weight for my ministry. I want to release weight for my self. I want to release weight so that people will see beyond it. I want to release weight for my health. I want to release weight so that my energy is not spent worrying about people, worrying about being kicked off planes ect...

So my rededication includes daily exercise and not eating between meals. Because I love myself, I love my body and I am worth this change.

Amen.

36?

I've been visiting my family for several days. I haven't paid as much attention to what I am eating and even allowed myself to eat some things that are not the most loving for my body. I understand that it is in part a stress and anxiety response. So I've let it go because some parts of being in this place produce anxiety for me. When I left home I weighed 365 and really have no idea how much it is now. I doubt it's less. That causes a little stress but I understand.

I gained a bunch of weight back this year when my friend died. That was hard and it felt awful. So much was going on during that time that a focus on my health slipped out of priority. It's coming back into priority for me because I know how much of a difference it makes. And I felt so much anxiety about the plane ride and the idea I would be kicked off. It felt horrible. I wasn't kicked off but couldn't wear the seat belt. I was unable to ask for an extender like I usually do because I was so frightened. It makes me sad that I felt that way.

My body cries out for exercise. It wants to change and is ready to change. I can do this. It's not just about the numbers. It's about my health. It's about my future and my minister. It's about my future children. I want to do this. I so much want to free up all this energy that is devoted to disliking myself, to worrying and apologizing for the space I take up in this world. I WANT to give that energy to what I love and feel passionate about. Don't get me wrong - I don't think my body size should be connected to my self worth. They are different. I just want to spend my energy differently than worrying about getting kicked off planes, or being able to fit in seats, or breaking something if I use it.

I want it to be about passion, excitement and everything I value!

348lbs

I weigh 348 lbs as of this morning.... hmm that means I've lost 78 lbs since moving to this state and 53 since starting seminary. I have been high as 90 lbs but seem to be bouncing around a lot in the 340's.

I hurt my ankle a few days ago so I haven't been able to exercise which poses a great barrier. I'm also under a certian amount of stress and that makes it harder to eat properly. However I'm hoping if I keep this blog it will serve as a check on my behavior and my stress level. This is really hard and yet even with 78 lbs things are much improved. I don't worry so much about where I can sit.

Sigh... I'm doing a suicide prevention training later this week. I hope it works out. I'm considering avoiding sugar sweets again at least to kind of help me get back on track. Everything is much harder without the cafeteria.

37lbs or 63lbs

So I've lost 37lbs this year and 63lbs since I started school. In three pounds I will have lost 10% of my body weight since I started the year.I've lost over that since I started school. Kind of a big thing. It reduces your chances of getting Diabetes. Which people are always surprised I don't have. That frustrates me a little. Being overweight can lead to diabetes but doesn't have to. Of course when you know my family history that increases the chances. My father and sister have it. My aunt and uncle on my father's side have diabetes. My grandmother has it on my mother's side.

I'm excited about being so close to losing 40lbs this year. It's harder and harder not to fantasize about losing all this weight and what I can do.

I play with the idea of joining the peace corps after I finish my divinity degree. Of course when I finish my divinity degree and internship I will be 34. I could totally get into the right weight range for it by that time. I'm sure it would be trans formative. However that is then another two years which puts me at 36 before I even look for a job. And if I want to have a child of my own the chances of complications go up after 35. Of course I don't want to have a child right away after I get a job either. That's not fair unless I have a husband to help. But throwing myself into single parenthood right after I start ministry seems bad.

So if I skip the Peace Corps and get a job at 34 I could work a couple of years before getting pregnant. Of course I wonder how much of a scandal that would be.

Another option would be to work in community ministry or as a Chaplin. Or get a job as an associate minister until the kid goes to school. At least as a Chaplin I would have the more defined schedule.

These were options I hadn't considered before I really started losing weight.

Opening Blog

Ok, so on the advice of a friend I decided to start this. Since Feburary 24, 2010 I have been working on making a committment to myself and changing my life. Starting that day I have been exercising almost every day. For the last two months I have also changed the way I eat. I have stopped eating outside of meals. Except for once in a while when I am very hungry.

I am doing this for so many reasons. I have at this point lost 33 lbs this year. I started at 401lbs this year. And weighed 426lbs when I started school. I currently weigh 368lbs.