rededication

I weigh 361 pounds as of this morning. While I was home for a visit one of the people that cares about me but is not related took me out to lunch and told me how getting to know me has helped him overcome his prejudice against significantly overweight people. He said that he had to think about it the way he thinks about homosexual people - if he doesn't want to have sex with them then it doesn't matter. I felt uncomfortable and sad. The first thing I thought was thank God I didn't eat everything on my plate. sigh... I could have heard that somewhere besides over a table. Or even not at all. But I'm being reminded once again that human beings are visual. EVERYONE knows I'm significantly overweight. I wish it were easier for people to see past that. I am so much more.

I also managed to realize that the pain from my past which I spent so many years hiding and not talking about needed to be heard. I've realized this over and over as I talked about it in counseling that I needed to be heard. I think aside from a feeling of protection the weight also screams out to be heard it screams to every person that something is going on for me. hmm... I don't like it but it seems possible.

So I had a long discussion with a close friend/mentor/teacher/guide. She helped me rededicate myself to this process. I want to release weight for my ministry. I want to release weight for my self. I want to release weight so that people will see beyond it. I want to release weight for my health. I want to release weight so that my energy is not spent worrying about people, worrying about being kicked off planes ect...

So my rededication includes daily exercise and not eating between meals. Because I love myself, I love my body and I am worth this change.

Amen.

36?

I've been visiting my family for several days. I haven't paid as much attention to what I am eating and even allowed myself to eat some things that are not the most loving for my body. I understand that it is in part a stress and anxiety response. So I've let it go because some parts of being in this place produce anxiety for me. When I left home I weighed 365 and really have no idea how much it is now. I doubt it's less. That causes a little stress but I understand.

I gained a bunch of weight back this year when my friend died. That was hard and it felt awful. So much was going on during that time that a focus on my health slipped out of priority. It's coming back into priority for me because I know how much of a difference it makes. And I felt so much anxiety about the plane ride and the idea I would be kicked off. It felt horrible. I wasn't kicked off but couldn't wear the seat belt. I was unable to ask for an extender like I usually do because I was so frightened. It makes me sad that I felt that way.

My body cries out for exercise. It wants to change and is ready to change. I can do this. It's not just about the numbers. It's about my health. It's about my future and my minister. It's about my future children. I want to do this. I so much want to free up all this energy that is devoted to disliking myself, to worrying and apologizing for the space I take up in this world. I WANT to give that energy to what I love and feel passionate about. Don't get me wrong - I don't think my body size should be connected to my self worth. They are different. I just want to spend my energy differently than worrying about getting kicked off planes, or being able to fit in seats, or breaking something if I use it.

I want it to be about passion, excitement and everything I value!

348lbs

I weigh 348 lbs as of this morning.... hmm that means I've lost 78 lbs since moving to this state and 53 since starting seminary. I have been high as 90 lbs but seem to be bouncing around a lot in the 340's.

I hurt my ankle a few days ago so I haven't been able to exercise which poses a great barrier. I'm also under a certian amount of stress and that makes it harder to eat properly. However I'm hoping if I keep this blog it will serve as a check on my behavior and my stress level. This is really hard and yet even with 78 lbs things are much improved. I don't worry so much about where I can sit.

Sigh... I'm doing a suicide prevention training later this week. I hope it works out. I'm considering avoiding sugar sweets again at least to kind of help me get back on track. Everything is much harder without the cafeteria.